It's all hollow's eve and the moon is bare.
Walk through the cemetary if you dare.
Where skeletons rot and corpses fester.
Locate the tomb with the skull of a jester.
Feed him a token.
All shiny and new.
It is then that Carnevil will return for you.
- A long dead studio
Well I am here again for my favorite holiday.
Since my last post I managed to fuck up a possible employment opportunity at a local shop that wanted me to design shirts, and I managed to fuck up a possible employment opportunity at Everi Gaming, a massive company that make all sorts of interactive software and casino games.
I even managed to get a brief phone interview with the 2nd one. But as per usual I found some glorious way to shit it all into the toilet and I will probably never hear from them again. First studio that's actually contacted me back in at least a year.
But hey at least I finished this Deadpool cartoon for Weebl and #Mashed. And I even finished it on the day it was due!
I don't know when it's going online. So that's at least one small positive note from the grand concerto of deterioration that has become my life.
Now this blog post isnt just about my botched attempts at getting out of this great void of debt and misery I find myself in, no no. We had quite enough of that two posts ago.
No readers, this is my favorite time of year. Halloween!
Why? Because its monster-themed!
And you don't have to spend money to buy gifts for people! You just run around in a costume and act like a jackass and sometimes get free candy! Can you imagine a more perfect holiday? That's a rhetorical question of course you cant. It does not exist.
So in celebration of Halloween I'm going to talk about what I personally think is the perfect group of movies to truly horrify and sicken you this on this Hallowed Eve. Note: Some of these films are incredibly difficult to find. Don't feel discouraged, some of them I came across entirely by accident.
Guinea Pig - There's a few of these films. Find the first one. Maybe the second one. The incredibly realistic and gruesome exploits of a serial killer who slowly cuts his victims apart, piece by piece. How bad is it? People thought the films were real and the government had to get involved. Not for those with weak stomachs. MANY people thought this was a legitimate snuff film.
The Thing - Carpenter's masterpiece ensemble about a bunch of workers in the frozen north who discover that a dog they took in is actually a grotesque shape-shifting alien in disguise. Inbetween the masterful puppetry and body horror, is an incredibly tense and brilliant story about people going stir crazy and paranoid as they are killed off one by one. This is one of those films that will never age because of just how damn good it is.
Lake Mungo - This relatively forgotten horror film is almost devoid of violence and entirely devoid of jump-scares or pop-out skeletons. Set up like a documentary, it chronicles a family grieving over the loss of their daughter and the scandals and hauntings that take place afterwards. It starts as a horror, becomes a mystery film, and then becomes a horror again. Every performance in the film is remarkable and it will leave you feeling cold and sad and afraid to go to Australia. If the bit with the cel phone doesn't make you near shit your pants, then you got a problem buddy.
Sunshine - So if you wake up one morning, and it's a particularly beautiful day, you'll know we made it. Amazing film about a crew of astronauts on a mission to dump a chemical payload on the earth's sun which is currently dying out and freezing the planet. Along the way they find the ship that was sent to do the same job 6 years prior. And that's where things get terrifying. Truly an amazing scifi flick with a good dose of horror to give one the heebies and the jeebies.
Nekromantik - A man falls in love with a corpse. Enough said really. Find it and give it a go. Much like Guinea Pig this is not a film for those with weak stomachs.
Perfect Blue - A rare treat! An animated horror film! From the late genius Satoshi Kon, this film is about a famous music popstar in japan who turns to acting. Her first roles are gritty lewd things that depress her and make her start to lose fans and faith in herself. Then she discovers she's being watched and manipulated by a stalker. Everything starts to snowball from there.
Cemetary Man / Dellamorte Dellamore - A gravekeeper and his friend have the amusingly boring job of killing and re-burying all the zombies that rise from the grave in their little town every night. Eventually the gravekeeper's friend falls in love with the zombie of the recently deceased mayor's daughter. Then he keeps her head in a box. Things only get zanier from there. A horror film with a good dose of comedy and even a bit of bizarre eroticism.
Alice - Jan Svankmajer's insane live action / stop motion animation mixed media film. I'm not sure what to write here. Me and a friend rented this film once when were employed at Blockbuster Video. Like a lot of things Jan has made, it is rather horrifying and disturbing. A strange strange retelling of Alice in Wonderland.
Evil Dead - The original and the very recent sequel/pseudo-remake are both excellent horror films with a nice dose of dark comedy to them that makes them very re-watchable. The newest one is also almost indescribably violent and action packed. Great for a halloween viewing. And hey, Bruce Campbell is gonna be in a tv show sequel to it soon too! I'm so sad Burn Notice is over.
True Detective - Not a movie, but a tv show. Season 1 of true detective mixes melancholy cynicism with a great dose of horror and fantastic storytelling. The redemption of Rust is one of those things you'll never forget. Manages to be very unnerving with just the atmosphere and direction. Season 2 focuses on different characters and mostly a depressing journey into a fictional California city. Season 1 is the one that will give you chills down your spine.
Brazil - What can be said about this film that others haven't already said? A fantastic dark comedy from brilliant madman genius god Terry "I Eat Money Literally" Gilliam. What starts as a somewhat funny but distressing comedy of errors in an overtly complex and grotesque future with superhero repairmen and bizarre machinery turns into horror and terror pretty quick once things fall apart. A masterpiece of filmmaking. If you enjoy this I highly recommend the Adventures of Baron Muncchausen.
Suspect 0 - Aaron Eckhart and Ben Kingsley as psychic detectives who track down dangerous serial killers. Probably one of Kingsley's best and most underrated performances. A terrifying film from a one-hit-wonder director. Forgotten by the passage of time.
Jacob's Ladder - I've mentioned this film a few times and my love for it. It's terrifying, it's brilliant, it's a masterpiece. A man whose life keeps intersplicing from before and after the vietnam war, as strange demonic people try to kill him and his former war buddies. A film you won't ever forget. Also has odd cameos including Rage Cage from Tenacious D, Jason Alexander, and Lewis Black. What a cast! Probably the most insane climax of any horror film.
Bone Tomahawk - This movie literally just came out a few weeks ago. Kurt Russel stars as a sheriff in the old west who goes to rescue the wife of one of the townsfolk who has been kidnapped by savages. What starts as a tense western drama becomes a slow burn into horror as the natives begin to reveal themselves and show just how savage they truly are. Things escalate quickly. Another film not for the weak of stomach.
The Babadook - Alot of people recommend this film. And they are right to do so. A fun horror flick with just enough scary shit thats well filmed enough to make you feel spooked. Also co-stars the most annoying child ever filmed in the history of movies. When me and mike watched this film, the power went off during the climax of one of the scariest parts of the film. I have never been so quiet in my life.
Stay - a forgotten film from the early 2000's, this film stars Ewan McGregor as a psychiatrist who has to stop a young artist from comitting suicide. Because if this artist dies, reality will end. Things just get weirder and creepier from there. Probably one of the prettiest soundtracks a horror film has ever had.
The Fly / Videodrome / Naked Lunch - look I have nothing constructive to write here. Just see all of Cronenberg's films. If you don't you are a plebeian. The end.
Coraline - An animated horror film that manages to be incredibly frightening while remaining PG. A masterpiece by Neil Gaiman and Henry Selick. Perfect stop motion animation mixed with a harrowing story and unnerving visuals as the other world starts to fall apart.
Fire In the Sky - gave me nightmares as a child. gave me more nightmares as an adult. One of the few alien abduction films that is actually scary.
The Orphanage - A movie about a woman taking care of an orphanage that is haunted by the ghosts of the children that used to abide there. Then her son disappears. Manages to be incredibly disturbing without hardly any special effects or violence.
The Tall Man - I originally thought this was going to be a horror film based on Slenderman, a cool internet monster that was ruined by reddit, facebook, youtube, and 9gag into a joke little kids tell each other. As it turns out its nothing of the sort. It's about kidnappings and absolutely bonkers mclonkers mystery adventure stuff with a very heartbreaking ending that will leave you speechless and probably very conflicted.
And there you friggin' go, m8.
A bevy of horror for your watching pleasure this Hallows Eve.
In far scarier news, those of you who have read this blog for a long time (all 0 of you!) might recall years ago when I discovered the top search term for my blog was the terms OILY ASS.
Years later OILY ASS was replaced with Minecraft Hentai. Because apparently some 11 year olds actually ARE that sad and pathetic.
Well I decided to take a look again.
I only got 73 views on this blog in the last month. If that isn't a fantastic visual indicator of how dead my career and future is I don't know what else could do the job.
But regardless, the most searched for term for people finding this blog this month is:
Anime Dogs Sucking Their Own Dick.
From slick anuses to cube smut I have officially hit rock bottom. Furries and self-fellatio. What a time to be alive.
In happier news, with the Deadpool cartoon in the can I was able to finish a new art piece. And it's probably not what you expect:
And it finally happened, I got to make it, and it came out almost exactly like how I envisioned it in my head! Not too shabby for an art project.
For those that really like it, and play Warframe, you can vote on this design here:
So far it has 800 negative votes and only 700 positive votes!!
Truly another good visual indicator of just how terrible everything I make anymore is.
Give them a fish, they eat for a day.
1 hour ago