Ye Oldde Blogge

The blog of a person....yeah that sounds good.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

I'm not one of your fried chicken tramps!

My last blog post was a gigantic rant about a movie I absolutely hated. Today's post will talk about some recent movies I like! And a couple I didn't.

I'll start with the good ones.


The first is a film called We Are What We Are.
When you look this movie up you may be keen to notice theres two recent films with this title. The one I've seen is the remake. Remakes tend to be very poor compared to the original source material, but We Are What We Are was so darn good I'm actually pretty eager to see the original.
The movie is about a family in Pennsylvania dealing with grief. During a rainstorm their mother, who is clearly very sick, starts coughing up blood. She panics, hits her dead, and drowns in a ditch, leaving behind her stoic and quiet husband, two teenage daughters, and very young son. It's evident from the start of the film that the family is very traditional and rides on old-tyme religion. But we only ever get to see glimpses of it. Odd sayings, odd proverbs, and little hints that let us know they aren't your typical family.

The town coroner and local doctor named Barrow investigates the mother's body and over the course of the film slowly realizes she was suffering from a disease that only people who practice cannibalism can get. Around the same time his pet dog finds a human bone in the forest, near a river that runs down past the grieving family's home. Over the course of the flick the doctor realizes what we, the viewers, have already been seeing. Which is that this family are part of some age-old cult that kill people, bless their dead body, then prepare them for consumption. The two teenage daughters hate it, but being raised to do it they agree to help the father one last time before they attempt to run away. But things quickly GET REALLY OUT OF CONTROL.

The film is not particularly violent but it builds tension nicely. Especially with the father who is a very quiet but constantly glowering man who seems filled with a constant silent rage at those around him. Occasionally its revealed in short loud outbursts but we don't see the true extent of it until the movie's final act when SHIT GETS CRAY-CRAY.

Probably one of my favorite bits in the film is when the father is having some conversation with the friendly next-door neighbor and he quotes an odd piece of scripture.
The neighbor asks, "Is that in the bible?"

And the father, without batting an eye just mumbles, "It's in mine."

Which references the old pilgrim journal about cannibalism that the family use as their holy book.
We Are What We Are is a pretty nice little horror film that manages to be creepy through tension and not through violence or jump scares.

It's not the best film I've ever seen but compared to a lot of the crap we get these days it might as well be made of pure gold.

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The next film is Europa Report.
This is a scifi film that me and my buddy Mike discovered by accident while searching through the "horror" section of the moviephone website. We don't use moviephone because we aren't neanderthals but sometimes it's nice to have an organized list of garbage to look at so you can scroll down and select the ones that interest you.
Europa report is one of those hard-scifi sort of horror flicks. There's not a whole lot of those, sadly. In literature there's tons and tons of amazing hard-scifi books and stories that would make your hair stand on end. But in the movie industry its a pretty untapped genre with very few titles. Luckily what few titles there are, are mostly fantastic.

Europa, while not fantastic, is good enough to sit with the rest.

Oddly when I first looked this movie up all I saw were people bitching about some monster in the movie which seemed to be at the end or towards the end of the film. It's particularly strange now that I've watched the film I can't really see why these complaints about it exist.

For starters Europa Report is NOT a monster movie. It's a movie about a group of astronauts who have been floating through deep space for months and months and months to get to the moon of Europa so they can drill under it's surface (where there is liquid running water) and see what life they can find. Along the way they lose a crew member in an accident who is played by the guy who was Vickus in District 9. He gets some chemicals on his astronaut suit while trying to fix something outside the ship and has no way of cleaning it off before his friend runs out of oxygen. So he helps his friend get back into the ship and he himself floats off into deep space to slowly suffocate.

Doomed forever to have his body float through the cosmos from the rest of time. Shit like that disturbs me. Anyway, as they approach Europa they start having radioactivity hit the ship and fuck with it's magnets and devices which causes it to land rather clumsily on the surface. They drill under the ice, find some bacteria and are happy. But one by one the astronauts start breaking through the ice and getting pulled deep into the subterranean ocean. Shit falls apart and eventually there's only one astronaut left. The ship sinks into the sea and we see that the radioactive thing that's been pulling people in is a big ol black tentacle monster. Sort of like an octopus but also covered in little lights much like the fish we have here that live deep deep deep in the sea where the sun can't reach.

Apparently this was REALLY hard for people to believe. I'm not sure why. It's a planet in the darkness, with giant pitch black oceans. Were people not expecting the monster to look aquatic? In a world where there's no predators on the surface would it not make sense that some sort of intelligent multilegged cephalopod or arthropod would be the apex predator?

Anyway, decent film. It's filmed in a pseudo-documentary sort of style which is popular these days. The only problems with the film really are the parts not focusing on the astronauts which are short snippets and interviews with the NASA scientists who funded and orchestrated the mission. None of their performances are believable and their grief over the dead astronauts is almost comical just because the performances are so bad.

But BESIDES that, it's a pretty decent scifi flick with some DAMN good cgi in a lot of parts.

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My favorite of all the flicks I've seen recently was The Signal.
I'm not even sure where to start with this.
The signal is one of those movies where you watch it expecting it to be some sort of artsty fartsy type of film with loaded symbolism and obvious metaphors cause the way its shot and made really make it seem very....hipstery. Like a college student film.

That said, it's so much fucking fun to watch you won't give a shit about any of that.
The movie is about 3 nerds driving across the country to beat the crap out of a hacker who has been bothering them for a long time. They find his house and break in, only to be promptly abducted by aliens in what might be the scariest and shortest abduction sequence I've ever seen in a movie.

From there we get to see these 3 kept in a laboratory somewhere in the desert and watched over by Laurence Fishburn who plays a scientist kept in charge of them. He's very vague about his motives but he explains the reason for his vagueness is because he really has no idea what happened to these 3 nerds. He wears a very thick spacesuit (as do all the staff) when he's near the kids cause he doesn't know whats wrong with them. Could they have alien viruses? Could they BE aliens? He doesnt know and even though these ideas are terrifying, Fishburn is very calm and nearly mockingly friendly with the victims of this abduction. And for the most part, despite a few attempts to escape the lab everything is going swimmingly.

Then the kids realize they have weird new superpowers.
And then they realize they aren't actually on earth.
Then shit goes bonkers. REAL FUCKIN BONKERS.

The movie is absolutely ridiculous and while it seems it might take itself seriously, the concepts are so outlandish and the soundtrack is so deliriously happy electronic music, the movie just feels like the filmmakers had as much fun as they could. The film even ends with watching a spaceship descend into some crazy alien world with gorgeous CGI and some party music playing with the bass pumped up so hard you wanna get up and dance, even though the context of the scene itself is fucking horrifying.

Amusing, silly, frightening, scary, and overall just pretty stylish.
The Signal was good.

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JUG FACE.
Watched this one last night.
What a ride. Similar sort of setting and theme with We Are What We Are; a bunch of very rustic old-timey-wimey folk living out in a very forested very rural area with some sort of cult.

With Jug Face the cult worships a thing called The Pit. The Pit is exactly what it sounds like. It's a big-ass hole in the ground about 7 feet deep full of mud and blood. The villagers are afraid of it but also respect it. One of the villagers is a man with some sort of learning disability but he is also the prophet. Every now and then his eyes go white and he falls into a stupor. In his stupor he takes some pottery clay and makes a jug. The jug also has the face of one of the villagers. Whoever that villager is upon the jug now will be the next sacrifice for the Pit.

What proceeds is a ritual where the person then has their throat cut open (one of those things I always get squeamish at no matter how fake it is) and their blood then pours into the Pit, apparently satisfying it.

The main character of the film, a young girl named Ada who has sexual relations with her brother, learns that she is the next person to be sacrificed to the Pit. She also learns she is pregnant with her brother's baby. So when the jug comes out of the kiln she quickly hides it away.

Well, this makes the Pit REALLY goddamn angry and it starts killing people.

You expect at some point in the film it's going to be proven the Pit is false or a hallucination or that maybe its real and the villagers will revolt against it since they are tired of losing loved ones to it. None of this happens. In fact, the film is resolved when Ada finally realizes (after being caught) that she HAS to die to the pit or its going to keep killing people, and she is sacrificed to it. And everyones lives return to normal and jug face's keep getting produced by the local retard priest guy.

Pretty neat film.
Certainly a very original concept and all the performances in the film are very good.
Plus it has Larry Fessenden in it, a really good actor who made one of my favorite horror films from a few years ago The Last Winter with Ron Perlman.

I highly recommend all of these.


I also saw two piles of absolute twaddle which I would only say to watch if you lose a bet.

1.) Last Days on Mars
This movie manages to have stupider astronauts than the ones in Prometheus. The amount of IDIOTIC decisions these people make is absolutely amazing. They are all so incompetent at their jobs it is absolutely remarkable. I've never seen a movie get so dumb so fast. I was watching it and thinking to myself "man why did so many people hate this? its ok so far..." and then this guy appeared.


And astronaut zombie man proceeds to not only kill several people despite not possessing any strength or otherworldly traits, he also knows how to drive a car, use power tools, and even set up remote explosives, all while being a zombie created by underground rock fungus. I'm not making this up it is actually that wild and dumb.



Crappy movie #2, which was actually a huge disappointment as I was expecting WAY more out of it was The Devil's Pass.

I grabbed this movie because it was about the Dyatlov Pass Incident which is one of my most favorite real-life scary stories ever. Sadly the movie is about as scary as the fart I'm holding in writing this.

I was really looking forward to this. Silly me!
So instead of being a cool story about a group of documentary filmmakers exploring the Dyatlov Pass mystery and becoming involved in the supernatural terror surrounding it, this is a movie about a bunch of douchebags.

Everyone in this movie is a douchebag. Every character is one of THOSE types. The ones who get drunk EVERY friday, go to a nice college completely off their parents money, have no practical knowledge, call each other Bro all the time, and who play games like Black Ops 2 and think its a masterpiece. Every character in the film is one of these types. They are all assholes and almost like caricatures of horrible americans. They possess every possible stereotype of awful american people and you will not emphasize with any of them.

They proceed to travel to Russia, unprepared, act like idiots, get drunk, meet a guy named Sergei (because Vlad and Ivan were too stereotypical) and then run off to the mountain. Through their own incompetence they managed to nearly all die in the snow and about 1 hour and 45 minutes into the film they get trapped in some underground military bunker. The film pick up here considerably with some good special effects, decent monsters, and gorgeous cinematography but sadly by the time this happens its too little too late and you will HATE the movie and everyone in it so much you'll be ROOTING FOR THE MONSTERS to KILL THEM.

I could honestly write an I, Frankenstein length rant about how this movie fucks up its own story, its dumb leaps in logic, and how it manages to shit on both the Dyatlov Pass and the Philadelphia Experiment all in the course of two hours but I won't.

I will simply say it is a pile of shit and not even worth grabbing from the 99 cent bargain bin at Walmart that it is destined to travel to.
 I hope everyone involved in the production of this film gets bitten by a spider on their genitals.
In happier news a new Aphex Twin album is coming out.
YOU BET YOUR ASS I'M EXCITED.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.

As a foreword I'd like the say I watch alot of shit. And I don't mean slang for 'I watch alot of everything'. I mean I watch alot of garbage and trash. I see films like 'The Room' before they get broadcast and become cult classics. I have a dvd collection full of tasteless trash. Hell Comes to Frogtown, the sequels, Little Lost Sea Serpent, Baby Ghost, and other crap. Me and my buddy Mike watch stuff like this often and frequently.

Why? Because its fun to laugh at. It's amusing to watch poor filmmaking, and to imagine what catastrophic controversies occured behind the scenes to allow terrible films like Van Helsing, Reptilicus, and Harpies to even occur. For the most part, I rarely talk about these films because I just don't have the passion to find them THAT interesting to discuss. It's only when a film is particularly awful that I feel the need to rant, like I did a few years ago for Adrian Brody's awful "SPLICE" movie from 2009.

Plenty of awful shit has come out since Splice. Battle for Los Angeles,  the Paranormal Activity sequels, and james cameron's Avatar come to mind. But none of these films made me quite as upset as the film I'll be discussing tonight. Because I can usually find something good to say about any movie, no matter how garbage or smutty it may be. But not tonight. Not for this.

Not for.....


I, FRANKENSTEIN

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To start us off, since you haven't seen the film (like most people because it flopped very hard) here's the trailer:


You may notice it stars quite a few actors and actresses you've seen in other films. Respectable ones even. Considering how bad this movie's effects were, its pretty much a guarantee the production budget for the film went into paying the actors as their is no way any actor could read the script for this film and go 'this is good. i want to be in this.' so to get around that little speedbump, money talks.

So let's get right down to what's wrong with the film.

1.) A SECRET WAR BETWEEN GARGOYLES AND DEMONS

Any movie, novel, or comic that has the idea of a "secret war" is always doomed to be stupid in some form. Because the 'war' part of 'secret war' is very literal. There's always some large obvious brightly-colored disaster going on somewhere in these types of ideas. And the very notion that somehow human beings would never notice stuff like this happening for decades-or-hundreds-of-years is stupid.

You know why this worked in BLADE with Wesley Snipes? Because the 'secret war' was never a war. It was always a series of small skirmishes in the dark back alleys and warehouses of the city. No explosions, no massive monsters smashing through the town that everyone can see. It was all localized.

This doesn't work when it's not localized. In I, Frankenstein literally everything the Gargoyles and/or Demons do is loud, fiery, full of explosions, and often results in the destruction of a building that anyone can see for miles around. And somehow humans don't know about this? BULL. SHIT.

At least Men in Black had a good reason for people not knowing about the obvious events occuring around them with their memory wiping devices. I, Frankenstein is too smugly up its own butt to even try to have an explanation for that crap.

2.) GARGOYLES? DEMONS?

This movie is about how demons (sent by Satan) are on the earth. They don't actually do anything bad during the entire course of the film, I should add. We're told they're the antagonists at the start, but none of them actually do anything evil. The closest we get is a demon killing a police cop who tries to shoot him.

The demons are fighting Gargoyles. Yes, Gargoyles. Not angels, not some other heavenly being. Gargoyles, as in, man-made statues. Gargoyles, as in the human-carved spouts for water gutters that often adorn old churches and castles. Yes, THOSE gargoyles. Only now the Gargoyles carry ornate axes, gauntlet knives, katanas, and every other dumb weapon 13-year-old boys think is cool. The Gargoyles also transform into a group of very pretty afro-asiatic men in cloaks and armor. There's no reason for them to transform into this.

But that doesn't matter. What matters is that FRANKENSTEINS MONSTER is fighting GARGOYLES and DEMONS working for GOD and SATAN.

It's like someone made a roulette wheel and marked every slat with a mythical or legendary monster and tried to make a plot out of it.

"okay in this movie...uh lemme spin the wheel.....werewolves...and....minotaurs....are at war with.....banshees and they need the help of uh....lemme spin the wheel again.....they need the help of......changelings....to fight the....leprechaun empire."

And so I, Wee Folk was born.



3.) Dumb Practical Effects

I love practical effects. I love puppetry. It's why I'm excited for the new Abrahms star wars flicks. But one of the key reasons almost no scifi or fantasy movies use props or makeup effects anymore is because too often in modern times where nobody has any creativity, it ends up looking WORSE than cgi.

The demons in I, Frankenstein are as generic as possible.They are literally just human actors with a few dozen pounds of food coloring and polymers mashed onto their faces. With all the advances we've had in modern practical effects, one would think the filmmakers of today could make something REALLY COOL and unique with modern non-digital effects. APPARENTLY NOT.
One of these pieces of media cost over 65 million dollars to produce. One of these pieces of media is also less than a decade old. CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONE??!?!? One of these pieces of media also flopped really hard. Again, can you guess which one?

4.) Even dumber CGI

As mentioned before the good guys in the film are the Gargoyles. They're also CGI, like many things in the film. And like every special-effects vehicle costing 60+ million dollars, the cgi looks worse than movies that are almost 20 years old now.

Gargoyles are statues. They were made to help irrigate water and also to scare evil spirits away from cathedrals and such. They also came in lots of different styles and designs depending on what the sculptor at the time thought would look best.

Chances are you've seen a gargoyle a few times in your life.
They can be pretty cool.
And sometimes really otherworldly and spooky.
In modern day times, people still make and design gargoyles. And theres quite alot of very cool and unique designs out there.

You would think this would give the producers of I, Frankenstein a conceptual boner. Wanting to make the coolest monster they could, with lots of variations of it.

NAH.
Every single Gargoyle in the movie looks like this. Every. Single. One. I hate when a monster in a movie gets copy+pasted a billion times to make an "army". It looked like shit with the anubis in the MUMMY movies from years ago. It looks like shit now. It looks even worse when the monster they copy and paste looks crap right off that bat. Yes that's a picture from the movie. Yes the cgi looks that bad. Yes you will see dozens of that gargoyle flapping and slapping into poorly cgi'd demons running across rooftops.

They couldn't even go through the trouble of maybe making the Gargoyles different shades of grey. They are all the EXACT SAME COPY AND PASTED MODEL WITH THE SAME TEXTURES. Because FUCK phenotypes and FUCK morphology. FUCK trying to make a movie look good.

On a final note about this awful Gargoyle, they all make snarling cat sounds. The sound editors for I, Frankenstein literally just downloaded some generic cat-growls and bear-growls sounds off the internet and used them because free public domain sounds. You will hear noises coming from these monsters that you've heard in other movies, videogames, and other monster movies.

Because that makes sense, right? A monster made of chiseled rock would make the same noise as a panther or a grizzly bear yeah? That's not stupid, correct?


5.) Him, Frankenstein

The movie starts almost similarly to the ending of the original Mary Shelley novel, Frankenstein. Victor Frankenstein chases the monster he made out of sewn-together corpses into the frigid north. He ends up dying. In the book he dies on a ship, here he dies on a snowy mountain, his monster finds him and buries him.

In the book, Frankenstein's Monster is decribed as being a wretch. A corpse that walks. Thin, lanky, gaunt. Like a mummy. Thin. This is what makes the monsters obscene strength so frightening. The monster was never meant to LOOK strong or muscular or powerful. He was meant to be terrifying to behold. Scary to even GLANCE briefly at.

When Karloff played the monster in the original film, he was a big guy. (for you). But Boris was always a pretty strapping man. He had to remove medical parts from his own mouth to try to look more gaunt. But it didn't really help as, more than 80 years later, people still think of Frankenstein's monster as a large muscular square-headed monstrosity.
This design stuck, for better or for worse, this design stuck. From the Munsters up to Hotel Transylvania, this has become the iconic design for....Frankenstein.
Not Frankenstein's Monster....FRANKENSTEIN.

Alot of people (people who have not read the book) believe the name of the monster is Frankenstein. But it's not. The monster had no name.

In I, FRANKENSTEIN, the queen of the Gargoyles named the monster Adam. The monster does not give a shit, mutters some one-liners and proceeds on his merry adventure of violence.

When Adam starts meeting the villains of the film, they start referring to him as Adam as well. Which makes no sense because his naming was in a private room in a cathedral. How did the villains learn he'd been renamed to Adam?

Worse still, at the end of the film everyone starts referring to him as FRANKENSTEIN again. He even calls HIMSELF the name Frankenstein. WHY?

To add insult to injury he doesn't even look like a monster.
He looks like this.
And like THIS
He doesn't even look stitched together.
They couldn't even be bothered making him look like a corpse. They could have applied some slight color variations to the parts of his body meant to be sewn together. But no that'd require thinking. Instead we get Aaron Eckhart with the worst "i had stitches once" makeup effects ever on his very muscular body and lots of eyeshadow so he looks brooding and intense.



Which doesn't really matter because he says almost nothing throughout the film anyway.
Here's some choice bits of dialogue from the film to help you understand the kind of grim, edgy character they tried to make here. Imagine all these lines being said in a gravelly Christian Bale Batman voice, and you have Eckhart's performance here.

BLONDE SCIENTIST: I can give you answers, Adam
Frankenstein's Monster: I FIND MY OWN ANSWERS.

ANGRY GARGOYLE LEADER: God will surely damn you!
Frankenstein's Monster: HE ALREADY DID.

Frankenstein's Monster: I HATED HIM.
BLONDE SCIENTIST: Have you killed anyone else since then?
Frankenstein's Monster: ....ONLY DEMONS.

Inbetween these amazing bits of repartee, imagine lots of really bland fight scenes that look like they were cut from the Matrix. But what is one to expect from the brilliant minds who brought us UNDERWORLD and its many many sequels.

6.) Blonde Scientist Lady

Oh how quaint. There's two scientists in the movie working for the evil sub-Satan demon lord guy. And what a surprise, one happens to be an absolutely gorgeous blonde.

She's in the movie to be the love interest for Frankenstein's monster, and luckily the film runs out of time before setting that up. So we never see them kiss or do anything. Which is surprising, actually. They were probably going to save it for the sequel.

Blonde Scientist Lady is one of the characters we're meant to emphasize with but that all goes out the window when she is asked if she if familiar with Frankenstein.

To which she replies:

"Frankenstein is a myth. A story written to scare children."



MARY MOTHERFUCKING SHELLEY'S NOVEL, FRANKENSTEIN? A MYTH? A STORY FOR CHILDREN? A book so scary, its still scary 300 years after it was written? FUCK YOU Stuart Beattie. FUCK YOU Kevin Grevioux.

Not only did you manage to shit on the very concepts of the book itself. You managed to mock and shit on the book WITHIN THE VERY CONCEPTS you were already shitting on. YOU HAVE MADE AN INFINITE FRACTAL OF INCOMPETENCE.

YOU'VE CREATED A FILM SO DENSE IN ITS OWN STUPIDITY IT HAS COLLAPSED ON ITSELF AND NOT EVEN LIGHT OR GRAVITY CAN ESCAPE. ALL ONE CAN HEAR AS WE APPROACH THE EVENT HORIZON IS THE SOUNDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS BEING FLUSHED INTO THE VAST TOILET.

WE'RE GOING IN....

MY GOD.
IT'S FULL OF SHIT.

7.) The Villain is only a villain for his own underlings.

Bill Nighy, another competent actor, plays the bad guy in this film. A demon lord named Niberius. Like the rest of the demons, he does basically nothing villainous throughout the film. All he wants to do is get some dead bodies reanimated so that his other demon buddies stuck in hell have a corpse to possess. It is never explained in the film why this is a bad thing, or what the demons in this film's universe did that made them the bad guys.

That said, Niberius does something that only very poorly written villains do. He treats his men like shit. I have never understood why this cliche exists. It is old, stupid, and nonsensical.

- Niberius sends his men to capture Frankenstein's Monster
- Monster beats the absolute shit out of them, its obvious they cant win
- Niberius thinks this makes his men a failure despite the fact he sent them to out to fight with no armor or weapons because he is a dumbass
- beats the shit out of the one demon who makes it back from the fight who informs him what happened
- Later on, hides the bodies he plans to reanimate in the basement of the building he occupies
- Has no security system set up so literally everyone in the film ends up in the body-containment room at least once throughout the movie


How bad of a writer are you to write a villain who does shit like this and is meant to be threatening or scary. The "i'm so evil, i do bad things for the sake of it, fuck logic" ideal for villains is the kind of shit a child writes.

There is literally no motivation by Niberius to be bad, or do bad. At no point in the film does he even come across as a villain. He comes across as a very angry and stupid old man who just so happens to be a demon that wears a dress.

Whoop-dee-doo.


8.) What time period is this?

Frankenstein's monster comments early on during his gravelly and brooding exposition-pile of a monologue that he was created 200 years ago...which means that the time period for I, Frankenstein should be in the early 1900's. But it's not. It's modern day times. That said, despite being modern day, all the cars are vintage. All the houses and buildings look like they are from the days of King Arthur. And when we do see technology in the film (such as the device they use to bring a dead rat puppet back to life) it's all very futuristic.

Guns clearly exist. And guns are apparently scary enough to make a demon kill a police cop out of self-defense. Yet nobody uses guns. Even the demons who work in a large modern corporation and wear business suits and work with computers all day, have no guns.

Nobody uses guns. Instead everyone on the good guys side fight using old weapons. Axes, swords, blunt clubs and such. And the demons...the ones not stuck in the past....fight with...their hands?

Which would be cool if the demons showed some proficiency at hand combat but they dont. Basically every fight involves the demons flailing around with their arms being torn to fiery cgi-particle-effects bits due to the fact none of them carry weapons or means of defending themselves.

9.) Why Gargoyles?

Why not angels? If Satan in this film is confident enough to send his own men to fight on earth, why are there no angels to stop them? Why are man-made constructs humanity's only line of defense against the demons? Is it because the demons pose no real threat and this is the movie's own way of making fun of itself?

Is God watching and when an angel asks "maybe we should go down there and help fight satan?" the good lord chuckles and says "nah...i think aaron eckhart has a handle on it. btw buddha isnt answering my texts."

10.) Why Demons?

So...if the represntatives for heaven are man-made constructs, the Gargoyles...why don't the legions of hell have constructs?
Why not effigies? How cool would it have been to have Gargoyles fighting monsters made of sticks, straw, and pieces of murdered livestock and people? Instead of these ugly Ivan Ooze looking assholes who pose no threat to anyone in the film.

11.) RE-ANIMATING

In the film they show that the manner of reanimating a corpse involves blasting it with electricity. Another cliche from the 1931 Boris Karloff film that never happened in the book. Early on they blast a franken-rat with 5000 jolts of electric shit and it pops back to life.

It's an instantaneous process. Which makes sense because lightning is nothing if not fast.

Yet later on, when the giant room of corpses ready for re-animation and demon possession get turned on...despite being in a pots-and-pans clockwork steampunk facility, they all have digital displays on their chests that say:

ReANIMATION: 0.0%

The fuck? So now reanimating a body requires charging it like a battery? Immediately you think "oh they're gonna stop the process in a heroic and tense way once the corpses get to 99% so the audience can breathe a sigh of relief" because thats such a popular cliche with countdown timers in shit like this.

NOPE. We never see those digital displays again for the rest of the film. And when the demons come exploding out of hell (?) underneath the basement of the laboratory, their possession of the corpses is instant as well, like the lightning.

In short: the movie has no sense of internal logic.


12.) OVER 60 MILLION DOLLARS

Why in the world would you hire the guy who wrote the G.I.JOE live action movie, the director of JOEY (the movie about the baby kangaroo from 1997) and the guy who made UNDERWORLD and writes on the awful cartoon show BEN10, and then give these two over 60 million dollars to make a movie about Frankenstein's Monster fighting demons.

Where did this money come from? What rich dumb asshole read the I, Frankenstein comics and script and said "this seems like a good investment" and funded this? Why would you EVER give money to someone who wrote for Ben10, HULK and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H. and Young Justice? Three of the worst superhero cartoons to ever air? Why would you trust these two individuals to deliver a quality product?

13.) Aaron Eckhart needs to fire his agent

Aaron why? Why, man? Between this shit, Battle for Los Angeles, and Olympus Has Fallen surely at some point you realized you're starring in crap? Why? You're an amazing actor. You don't have to do this stuff man. Don't turn into Nicholas Cage 2.0. I don't think my heart could take it. I love you. Pls aaron.


Anyway, thats my long winding rant about I, Frankenstein.

A sane person didn't read all of that and is probably wondering if this movie was bad enough to even be worth such a long angry essay.

Yes it is.
Go on. Go rent, buy, or download the film.

Watch it for yourself. Go on.
I warned you.
I warned you all.

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In happier news, Weebl uploaded the other Catface episode I made.
This one I made while my mouth was still full of blood and stitches from the surgery a month ago.
Luckily this one was very short.



And now I'm going to play some more Path of Exile.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

And who are you, the proud lord said

Hello there.
It's been a while.

So what have I been up to?

For starters I saw GODZILLA. And it was everything I could possibly hope for in a modern day take on a traditional Godzilla movie. And unlike Pacific Rim, it's actually making money. So good news for everyone.


Secondly, I had mouth surgery. Why? Well because for the past few years I'd been dealing with the fact that one of my wisdom teeth basically fell apart in my mouth. Not long after this happened I felt an undeniably shockingly painful bit of pain in that area. Very similar to the pain I felt during my root canal when my nerve endings were torn out. So, I assumed that the nerve had died. And that seemed to be the case. Until about a month ago when suddenly the whole right side of my mouth started feeling INTENSE pain.
On top of that, my top left wisdom tooth was starting to develop little cracks and fissures as well. So off to a dentist I went. And by some amazing luck, the dentist I found does everything based on sedation. And she didnt even poke me in any sensitive spots.

She took one look in there and said "yeah, all 4 are coming out."
Probably because my mouth looked like this:
Scribble a beard on that image for a more accurate representation.

So I went to a surgeon, they gave me a bunch of hydrocodone and other crap to take and told me to come back in a couple of days. I'll be honest here, I'd never 'been under' before in terms of general anesthetic.
On top of that I didn't want to be one of those unlucky smucks who are awake during surgery. That's one of my top 10 "things that will make me shit myself" fears.

So by the time I was laying down on the chair I was an absolute nervous wreck. Probably as bad as I was back when I was having my anxiety attacks 3 years ago. But lo and behold, it was exactly as everyone said it would be. It was akin to time travel. One moment I'm asking the doctor if talking will help calm me down, and INSTANTLY I am waking up in a soft bed with my mouth full of blood, gauze, saliva, and missing 4 teeth.

After that began my new diet of sloops, gloops, and glops as I do not dare eat anything solid with all the stitches in my mouth. Mashed potatoes, jello, ice cream, applesauce, broth, some types of soups. I still have alot of these too, since this surgery was only 2 weeks ago.

After a week I went back in so they could remove my stitches (which had already fallen out), they told me everything was good, gave me a special syringe hose thing to clean out the ghastly holes in my mouth with, and sent me home with a clean bill of health. So now my mouth looks like this:
Go ahead and scribble a beard on that image, too.

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What ELSE have I been up to?
Well I managed to eek out 2 Catface episodes while I was recovering which was very difficult as the pain medications had me pretty much high as a kite and I just might stop to check you out 24/7 so I spent most of my time staring into nothingness or sleeping.

One of the Catfaces IS online now so here you go.



I had quite alot of fun with this one as I got to paint a bunch of new backgrounds and draw all those movie posters you briefly see in the shot outside the theater. Other episode isn't out yet and Weebl sent me a new one to do just yesterday.

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What else, what else. OH!


After 4 or more years of seeming to be vaporware, another ancient game I was looking forward to has managed to eek its way into existence much like Black Mesa Source.


STALKER: LOST ALPHA
It's out.
Yes I am as shocked as you are.

 

I still can't believe it. It came out literally the day after my surgery. I like to think my hopes of it being released are what gave me the strength to live through that experience.
Either way, you might be wondering what it is.

After Stalker: Shadow of Chernobyl was released, way back in 2007 (after being in development since before 2002), alot of features had been cut from the game. Guns, characters, monsters, anomalies, even whole massive chunks of the environment had been cut.

The developers uploaded a free alpha build of what the game USED to be like so people could see everything that had changed. This inspired some modders to find ways of implementing all these cut things into a new version of the game. The way it was originally meant to be, technically.

It's not perfect but it is glorious. And basically the closest thing I'm ever going to get to a new STALKER game since GSC Gameworld studios were gutted and Survarium turned out to be a piece of shit.


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Other good news is that the new Kirby game I'd been looking forward to for several months for the Nintendo 3ds is finally out. And much like Lost Alpha, it too is glorious.
And in tandem with the last 3 kirby games, it is full of very subtle and not-so-subtle callbacks to old Kirby titles.

By far my favorite is when I discovered that holding UP in front of the moon in the background of one of the maps lead to a secret door and room. It was exactly like what the moon did briefly in one part of the original Game Boy Kirby's Dreamland. After passing through it took me to a secret room and the original Kirby's Dreamland music even began to play. A nice easter egg for those who've been playing Kirby since the beginning.

There's alot of other callbacks and references as well but it would take me hours to list them all. The game is brilliant though. And much like RETURN TO DREAMLAND on wii, manages to be relatively challenging in quite a few areas.

They also upgraded some of the older Kirby powers.
- Rock now hurts enemies when transforming into the rock and ALSO when transforming back.
- Dashing forward then hitting rock transform makes kirby slide along the ground as the rock, taking out enemies while remaining invincible.
- You can now charge Rock up, turning one of kirby's 'hands' into a giant rock fist that uppercuts enemies and sends them flying to FUCKYOU.
 - Sword now has a dash-upwards move
- Spike and moving upwards now turns Kirby into a single very tall spike with very long range that can pierce anything. It works downwards too now as well.
- Wheel can now be charged by holding down, causing the wheel to build up speed
- Spear is back and has new attacks for every direction
- Beam is faster in every way
- Spark and Shock have been combined again like they were in Superstar

Theres a lot of new powers as well but that's too much to write about.

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But yeah there you go.
Had surgery.
Played games.
Made cartoons.

That's basically all thats happened as of late.

OH

actually.

I forgot something very important.


A bit before my surgery, Valve announced a special contest for TI4, the big competitive DOTA2 tournament. This came right before a GREAT balance update that buffed three of my favorite heroes (Tidehunter, Silencer, and Undying). The contest was to create products that could be sold at TI4, which included posters.

Months prior, I had started on a piece of DOTA2 fanart, featuring some of my favorite supports. Like many things I start, work and other stuff got in the way and I stopped working on it. This contest however inspired me to finish it and its probably the best painting I've ever done.

Please vote for it here.
It won't get in but I do appreciate the votes.





About a week ago, my friend Trickyclock (creator of the Little Buddy sailor hat for the pyro in Team Fortress 2), came to me wanting to collaborate. He and I had collaborated before on a flare gun for the TF2 pyro.

This time however, we were making a sticker for Counter Strike: Global Offensive.
Much like hats for tf2, stickers and skins are all the rage in CS:GO.
So he gave me some basic directions of what he wanted and I drew a thing:
You can vote that design as well here.




Thank you for voting if you do.

It looks like another hailstorm is about to hit this house, so I bid you all adieu.
I need to fix the music player on this blog.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway.

Sorry about the lack of posting.

It's not that I'm not around.
I'm basically online every day.
It's just that I have little to say.

No news is good news I suppose, even for a pessimist such as myself. So, what's new? What have I been up to? Well I animated a couple of new CATFACE episodes for Weebl.


I think I posted the previous one.
Hmm what else.
Oh I started working on a new painting.
It isn't done yet, obviously.


Christmas came and went. I got a fantastic pair of TT Games Esports headphones from my brother as well as a new CD drive for my rig. I also got myself a GTX-680 graphics card about a month before that so I could run METRO LAST LIGHT on max settings. It was well worth it.


What else has happened?
Oh.

So Survarium the so-called "spiritual successor" to the long-dead S.T.A.L.K.E.R. series is out. As a fan of the STALKER franchise and the works it was inspired by, and the works it has in turn inspired, I was very VERY excited for this.

Unfortunately the game is now in open beta. And uh. Well. It's basically another crap call of duty clone but now in a vaguely STALKER-esque environment. It honestly sickens me. And now that I've beaten Metro 2033 and Metro Last Light I pretty much have nothing to look forward to in terms of good atmospheric first person shooters.

At least the creators of "Nightmare House" mod in Source engine have a new mod coming out. But until that happens I'm relegated to the usual Killing Floor, Warframe, TF2, Dota2 ferris wheel.



What else.
Oh it Mike's birthday a few days ago. Rachel got him a portable e-cigarette thing.
And then a couple days later we all went to the fair.
I spent money before XMAS to get myself a very nice CANON VIXIA r400 model digital camcorder. It records in TRUE HD and is very nice. So I brought it with me to the Florida State Fair to record things.

If you've seen any of my previous videos with the old camera you should be able to see a noticeable rise in film quality. I am very pleased with it. Plus it supports audio input meaning I can attach a microphone to it.

Anyway.
I'm off to hang out with friends and maybe see the Lego Movie.
Good day.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Like the gummy worms you get on Halloween. This is different though, it's healthy.

Crossfire!
Don't get caught up in the....CROSSFIRE!


So as per usual with these, here's a breakdown of what I've been up to.
For starters, I've been making a few cartoons for Weebl.

I made this cartoon about robots fighting in a bar.


And this new episode of Catface about Catface playing board games.


And then weebl sent me some audio and gave me a couple weeks to basically just sort of do whatever I wanted with it. Which resulted in this:




Besides that I also made a new video on my own Youtube channel.
It's about DOTA2 which if you have not subjected yourself to the regular anguish and pleasure that is DOTA, then this video wont make much sense to you.



The clip is uses is from the television show, GAME OF THRONES. I did not watch Game of Thrones until my friend Mike sat me down and forced me to. After watching a couple episodes I quickly decided to blaze through the entire series three seasons in about a week. I haven't been so enamored with a program since Frasier. It is fantastic.

Some weeks ago, some of the cast from the show were at the Tampa Bay Comic Convention. My friends Mike and Tom met them and got autographs. Tom also brought back a fantastic board game called SMALL WORLD. It is fun as fuck. And I'm not just saying that because I manage to win almost each time we play. It's like the perfect halfway point between Settlers of Catan and Risk.


What else? OH!
If you're familiar with Egoraptor, Rubber Ross, and the Game Grumps then you don't need to click here. Of course if you aren't then you SHOULD click there. Go on! IT WONT BITECHA! Ross is making a new pokemon flash movie. And I am doing the backgrounds! Cool eh?

Oh!

And here's the biggest news of all.

THE BIGGEST NEWS EVER POSSIBLE.
I HAVE UPDATED (after one whole year) the DUSTBUNNIES OFFICIAL WEBCOMIC I MAKE. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. LIKE WHOA MAN. LIKE WHOAAAAAA.

So Yeah.
Get excited.
Here's the link. BOOM. 
You might have noticed that Dustbunnies is now hosted on tumblr.
That is because as time passes, Google continues to fuck up blogger.
Its weird in a way.

Google does everything so competently for such a large company.
And then you look at what they've done with Youtube and Blogger.
And all you can really do is sigh.

Can't win 'em all I guess!

And now we end today's post with this beautiful footage from the TI3 finals of Dota2.
Wow look at Dendi play Abaddon! And it what Admiral Bulldog as Visage? WOWZERS!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

With a poison twist!

Alot of stuff has happened since my last post.
Alot alot alot.

So much in fact I was actually sort of dreading making this post just because oh good god there's so much shit I need to post.

Let's start with something  minecraft-related since most visitors to this blog come here for that. A couple years ago I did a piece of fanart for Mojang, the company who develop Minecraft. It's a fanart piece that got really popular very quickly and before I knew it Manny of Mojang had contacted me wanting to commission a new full piece. Two full pieces were made. Each very large and at least 6000 pixels wide for EXTREME SHARPNESS.

I was paid and they kept the rights to the two images. One of them is the poster that is sold in the Jinx online store which I've linked to before. The other for whatever reason never saw the light of day. I'm not sure why it never did, it was just as good as the first image. Part of me things they forgot entirely. This was right before Minecraft experienced its MASSIVE SUPERNOVA OF POPULARITY.  After that Manny told me they'd contact me again to make them more art if I wanted to. I said yes since I was, and still am, a fan of minecraft.

The main image was later made into a full-size mural which sat inside the Mojang offices on their back wall. Alot of images of notch, jeb, and the others sitting and working in front of the mural have been on the internet for some time. They moved into a new very suave office building recently and I have no idea what became of the mural. I can only assume its gone now since it was basically wallpaper.

They never did contact again which always made me sort of sad, but they did start to commission work from a few other obscure artists which I thought was quite nice. Long story short, as I was picking up smoothie ingredients with my friend Mike in WALMART today, we walked by the posters section. Walmart has always had a section where posters are sold. Usually its full of old promotional images of spongebob everyone has seen a few hundred times, bad modern day alt-rock bands, wrestling, movies like THE CROW, and scantily clad women with more plastic in their bodies than a stretch armstrong.

However as I passed by I noticed something familiar!
My mural!
Being sold in a Wal-Mart along with the other commissioned art pieces.
I had to snap a photo of course.
For those curious, YES, that overweight arab terrorist standing next to the poster is me in my Tuesday Best. Those bulges you might mistake for manboobs are actually tightly packed bundles of C-4.

So there's that.
I officially created a product that is being sold in Wal-Mart. Inbetween Iron Man 3 and Twilight Sparkle posters. While in retrospect I should have probably signed a thing so I could get like 1% of each poster sold or whatever, I am still quite proud of this achievement. Being a Wal-Mart product means I am now part of what makes this nation great.

~rtil: weird
@reptilicus: i am now a thing sold in a walmart
@reptilicus: i am a piece of american culture now
@reptilicus: like jesus
@reptilicus: or hamburgers
bigarmybug: and guns
~rtil: walmart; bastion of american culture


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Speaking of Minecraft, I pretty much had to ignore everything internet related for a few weeks because I was TREMENDOUSLY BUSY. When I'd gotten back there was a new hero in Dota2 and Minecraft now has horses. Horse breeding, horse riding, horse combat, skeleton horses, zombie horses. I get to spend some time retexturing all these for my texture pack. Fun fun fun!

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But wait! There's more!
Last time I posted on this blog I had done a cartoon for Weebl called Yorkshire Inception.
Well since that time I've made TWO new cartoons for weebl! Both are part of the WOBBLE BOX series on his new HUHA channel. Huha is a big collaboration channel where weebl and a whole bunch of other humor and animation people make stuff together. Sometimes I help!

I made a cartoon about H.R.Giger for Wobble Box 3. I implore you to watch the whole thing, but if you really just want to see my part because you're some sort of diehard fan of mine (hyena_laughter.mp3) then skip to about 2 minutes and 40 seconds in.


A couple weeks later weebl sent me a longer bit to do about a superhero named DEK LASER. The cartoon has been split up and serves as a bumper between sketches in Wobble Box 4. However Wobble Box 4 does actually begin with the first part of Dek Laser which is neat! Weebl wanted it to be in a retro style so I went all out on raygun gothic stuff as much as I could. I only had a week to do it though. But I'm still pleased with how it came out.


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But wait! THERES EVEN MORE TO TALK ABOUT HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

The final two episodes of Happy Harry's BEARSHARK cartoons premiered on College Humor! Theres also now an official BEARSHARK Nintendo 3DS game!

So heres the two eps that premiered.





And as always, here's some high res pics of some the background art I did for these.
For the "Old" episode I tried to take a cue from the backgrounds in Courage the Cowardly Dog.



And the ones from the ghost episode are next.







So theres that.


You might think: "Oh man, theres no way this fat bastard can possibly fit even MORE stuff into this post."

Well you'd be god damn wrong, motherfucker.


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Yes, there's MORE.

I recently received news that I may be losing my house soon!
Which means I need more money!
Which means I might open up for commissions.
Which means after 9 years of staying away because its a shitty website, I re-joined DEVIANTART.

So yeah.

Here's my new deviantart account. Don't expect much and you won't walk away disappointed.


Sunday, April 07, 2013

How can it not matter to you where that train will take you?

During the previous episode of Catface there was a very low quiet noise that came from the tv that sounded like a tv show. Well it actually WAS a tv show. Weebl recorded a whole minute and a half of amusing dialogue that he then gave to me. So I spent a week and a half animating it.
And here it is.

YORKSHIRE INCEPTION


In similar news, the latest episode of Bearshark has finally gone online.
As with the last two, I did backgrounds while my friend Bug did the animation.


And as with the last couple of these, here are some high res images of some of the backgrounds I did.

In other news, Killing Floor and Red Orchestra 2 are now part of the Humble Indie Bundle. Meaning that Killing Floor is currently overflowing with newbies who don't understand how to kill a scrake or fleshpound or siren and keep buying the wrong guns for their class perk. On the other hand, maybe people will finally play the aborted fetus that is Red Orchestra 2 for once.

Spiral Knights also had a big update recently. All the games menus have been redesigned and look pretty lovely although a bit too large. They also finally nerfed the most unfair monsters in the game: Devilites.


Also Nintendo revealed the next Mewtwo.
It might be called Mewthree or some shit. Who knows anymore, really? I like it's design. Mewtwo was always such a lanky creepy looking motherfucker. And this new thing is even lankier and creepier with its sloth-toes and headtail.

Anyway.
That's about all I have to talk about.