I wanted to be a quantity surveyor.

Today is a post about Florida animals.


The first is a critter called the SCREEE PARROT. Why is it called this, you may ask? Because it wakes up at about 6 am, and with it's best friends, sits on tree limbs outside and they all proceed to scream "SCREEE SCREEEE SCREEEE SCREEEE" for hours upon hours.
Some say its a form of socialization.
Some say its a way of them warning each other of dangers.
Others say it is their way of saying "i wish to eat a shotgun blast"
Noone really knows why they behave this way.

Scree parrots (sometimes known as attention whores) often hang out in very tall trees wherever alot of people hang out. In this way, their loud calls serve to aggravate as many adults as possible, while simultaneously delighting as many tourists as possible. They also are flying poop machines. I think they eat the thoughts of the lazy or something.

Next are floridian frogs:

As you can see I have them numbered.

1.) cute green tree frog. These used to be everywhere. You almost never see them now. They are very small. barely an inch long. harmless little buggers. quiet too. smooth and slimy. hops short distances. enjoys ska.

2.) when the green frogs disappeared they were replaced by the Cuban Tree Frog. which are apparently not native to florida and are infesting the state or something. these guys are brown and leathery. also harmless. i'll often see a pile of them hanging around a porchlight waiting for moths to come by. when they fight over a moth, often a cage match ensues where the frogs then box each other with their feet. they call this 'ribbit' or "bloodsport" in english. to the victor goes the nasty moth feast.

3.) frog. classic frog. green to dark green with yellow or brown spots all over the body. sometimes found in lawns. usually in lakes. they make loud horrible sounds at night. very slimy and sticky and jumpy. jump very far. very generic. even they think they are boring. often seen painting themselves neon colors to look like cool poison dart frogs. but everyone can tell they are posers and try to ignore them.

4.) big brown toad. these guys hop around damp yards at night eating worms. they like to release their soaked skin fluids on your hands if you pick them up, simulating pee. causing people to drop them. they also have fat little short bodies, and hop about. also they have big leathery pads on their shoulders full of poison. never touch your eye after handling one. horrible things will happen. things the likes of which would send you fleeing from this blog in sheer terror if I wrote them down.

5.) peepers. tiny black frogs. half a centimeter long. often in groups hiding in mulch. dark brown to pitch black. harmless. no idea what they eat, considering they are smaller than most ants around here. i assume, being so small, they simply need to inhale, which fills their tiny bellies with delicious atoms. mmmmm atoms.

And finally.


The watery birds of florida that arent geese and ducks and seagulls and pidgeons which everyone already has seen and don't care for.


The biggest one is the Great Blue Heron. These are big birds. Like Shaq big. And they are very crafty. Often seen spearing fish with their long knifelike beaks. They also steal fish from people who are fishing, which often causes swearing and chasing the bird up and down the shore/dock/boat/roof.

The little one sitting on top of the heron is called an Ibis. They are really dumb looking little birds about the size of a big shoe. They come in groups and like to stand around in grassy areas poking the ground and each other with their long silly beaks. Easily scared. Also easily caught. there are also black ibis, who keep their distance from the white ones. the wounds of segregation run far too deep, with these birds.

Underneath the heron is a spoonbill crane. Long ago when the lakes of florida were filled with delicious soup, these birds would down large gulps with their spoonlike bills. Sadly, now that the soup of the world has been replaced by water, they use their beaks to shovel mud around, hoping that a few stray cans of potato casserole might flow up from the murky depths of the aquifer.

The tall bird to the right of the spoonbill is called a sandhill crane. These birds hang around lakes and ponds eating fish and frogs and prancing magical dwarves. Do not approach them, they are swindlers. often seen cavorting with the proletariat.

The brown one on the bottom right is called a Cormorant. Also called a water turkey. These birds swim underwater like a fish. This makes them confused and sometimes they mate with fish. Causing devilish bastard children of nature called Firdsh, which state law requires must be killed on sight via any means necessary. What's neat is after swimming they sit on rocks and flash for hours with their wings outstretched. They cover their bodies with nasty oil with they suck out of a little organ on their back. They are pretty gross now that I think about it. I hate them now.

The little black one under the spoonbill is called a coot. Or in floridian slang "ay dios mio, a cute motherfucker"
These are tiny little birds. They swim like ducks and have huge feet so they can walk on lillypads. They also have insanely cute babies which follow them everywhere that look like little grey balls of fluff. There have been 4 recorded deaths by coot and 10 claims of death. rumor has it turning a coot upside down will cause it to expunge worms from deep within.

And finally, the white/yellow bird on the bottom left of the picture. These are called egrets. Back when the scientists of the 1400's were naming the species of florida whilst traversing the everglades in their steampunk pandamobile, they originally were going to call egrets "small cranes" seeing as they look exactly like cranes but are, well, small. Legend has it one scientist piped up "dude check out the gnarly hairdo on its head!"
The scientists observed the bird and realized it had a mullet, and after taking a vote, unanimously decreed the do to be indeed, 'gnarly'
And so they called it the EGRET which in latin means "business in front, party in back" Egrets are nice little birds and seem to be solitary as I only ever see them 1 at a time hanging outside watery areas catching big bugs to eat.
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And there you go.
Should you ever come to florida to enjoy our theme parks, and make the grave mistake of checking out the native wildlife, I hope this small article helps you. And if not, well, that's just too bad isn't it. Not my problem. Good day!