The blog of a person....yeah that sounds good.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Butts are bad because they wash out to sea, and fish smoke them and become nicotine dependent.

Last night I saw a horror film with friends called Leeches. It's a terrible TERRIBLE film from 2003 with special effects akin to the cheapest puppet from Saul of the Molemen. Nothing wrong with cheap puppets but there were alot of things wrong with the film. And some things about the film that seemed off.

Ignoring the massive half-assed subplots of the movie "swim team has a homicidal maniac as a member" and "the coach is evil somehow" and my favorite "a giant cocoon hatches but nothing comes out" there was something oddly....whats the best way to put this....homoerotic about the film.

From the moment it began til the hilarious finale the film's entire cast was nothing but a group of studly jocks who spend all their time walking in slow motion while the camera slowly panned from all their muscles to their legs, to their crotches, to their flamboyant haircuts, and then back to their muscles again.

Oh, and eventually some rather phallic giant puppet leeches come out and proceed to crawl VERY SLOWLY to the various victims of the film.

It's rather amusing because they somehow couldn't afford to tie strings to these leech monsters. Case in point: a guy is attacked by 6 leeches. He holds 2 to his face while he gyrates around screaming and pretending he is trying to yank them off. The other 4 puppets just....sit there. Inanimate. The laziness is palpable. Could they really not afford to have 4 people stand offscreen with strings on their fingers attached to the puppets to make them move?


At other times someone (who clearly was paid very little) sticks their hand inside the leach puppet and attempts to make them look like they are slithering as the camera follows the leeches as they "slither" over all the toned manflesh that adorns this film like rainbow confetti at a party, or at times directly into the mouths of these men.

The leeches themselves make little sense. Despite being slow and large and noisy nobody notices they are near. Yet once people notice, the leeches suddenly move quickly enough to latch onto faces and.....do something.
I'm not really sure what the leaches are supposed to be doing. It seems like they attempt to bite the victims with their lamprey mouths (apparently nobody who made this film knows what a leech is) and rather than suck out the blood proceed to electrocute the victim. Hours later the victim is shown. Dead, pale, and of course almost nude.
Like I said, the film is very homoerotic. So much so that I quipped it wouldn't surprise me if it was meant to be gay porn originally but somewhere in the process the director decided to make a monster movie instead.
Here's a couple of clips.

This is the first 3 minutes of the film. The whole movie is basically like this in any scene where puppet leeches aren't being tossed at people's faces.

In this clip the very annoying and prissy main character dies to LEECHES. Then his bro (or lover maybe) who is the film's villain becomes the main character. Neither of them were pleasant individuals and I'm glad both died horrible deaths.

Subtle stuff. Tasteful.

Best Scene: the coach, who at first we are lead to believe is a murderer, but actually isn't, is tied to a valve near a pool because he threatened the main character for no reason and is considered a threat now. As he sits there one of the steroid-fueled mutant leeches comes slithering towards him. As it gets close to his face he grunts "You little bitch. You're just full of steroids aren't you? GIVE ME STRENGTH" and proceeds to BITE the LEECH and devour the puppet. The "strength" he gains is just enough for him to slip his hands out of world's loosest knot of rope and allow him to life heavy objects like a 5-foot-tall petite blonde girl. He almost lifts her one whole foot off the ground! HOLY SHIT! HULK SMASH!

Anyway after laughing our asses off at this film we decided to check out IMDB to see what other films the director has made.
What a shock. Since 1985 the director has made nothing but cheap monster movies and gay pornographic films. So I was basically right! Somehow in the course of 25 years, he has made roughly eighty films and not a single one is good. Each one is either smut or shitty horror.

Why do directors like this get funded?
And why do these movies get to be on DVD? And sold at WalMart?

anyway
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I've recently been chatting with the people who make one of my favorite video games. I can't say much about it but I will give you a hint: it rhymes with Sineklaft.
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Speaking of Sineklaft, on the smp server I help moderate we've been working on a bigass castle with alot of surrounding houses and structures and whatnot. The majority of it was put together by Plasticfir with me doing little bits here and there.

Here are two pictures of it:



It's pretty cool. We have an above ground pool, an underground maze of catacombs with only redstone ore lighting in the darkness. It eventually connects to a tomb where we have graves set up with names on them in tribute to all the regular members who never log on or come into the servers anymore. Under the maze is a massive railroad for minecarts complete with speed boosters. Glitches like hell though.
There's also a restaurant, a portal to the nether that doesn't work, a water fall, a clock tower, a cannon, and in the basement is a series of note blocks that play this song when you press a button.
There's also a garden that I built that is the ceiling of a lab where cannons, lava shooters, and other weird crap is tested.
My friend jake also has a secret underground house I helped him build in the map.

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anyway I'm going to go update my comic now.

For now you can view the recently released parody of the movie Avatar that I did for Cadbury's and Weebl.

1 comment:

Willva films said...

lalalala =)
halo zekey.

Fine movie review haha, the camera work (from what i can see on youtube) is alright but the homosexual radiation readings are really high and the special effects look terrible.

lalala
bye zekey
=)