The blog of a person....yeah that sounds good.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

death needs time for what it kills to grow in

Life's like a movie, write your own ending
Keep believing, keep pretending
We've done just what we set out to do.
Thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you.
-jim henson

I am in a good mood.
My new employer has given me my new project which looks like its going to be a big one.

My paycheck from my job came.

I have eaten a tasty microwaveable french bread pizza.

I finally got a chance to watch my special edition of The Muppet Movie. I'd forgotten how many famous people are in that flick. Mel Brooks, Dom Deluise, Richard Pryor, Bob Hope, Steve Martin, Orson Wells, and a bunch of others. Oh Jim. Why did fate take you from us.

And to top it all off I finally finished that quick project for Hans. Took me a bit more than a week but its done and now I have time for other things.

And for those who wish to see what complete animation clip looks like, one only needs to look: here
As for the game its a part of that should be done before December is over. Right now I'm working on the music video for that band again. Gerkinman managed to thieve some internets and get in contact with me.

On another great note my friend Mentally Detached has peaked out his head from his hidey hole, 50 floors below sea level, in a bunker.
And he and I talked for the first time in nearly a year.

On ANOTHER great note, youtube has made up for shaming Del the Funky Homosapien LIVE on their trainwreck of a LIVE show they had a couple nights ago. EVERYTHING ON YOUTUBE IS NOW WIDESCREEN.
Its incredible. Everything is huge and sharp and delicious.

And on a final FINAL note
I got to see a new terrible yet great straight-to-dvd horror film this week

As you can see this movie features David Hasselhoff whom we havent seen doing much in the world of entertainment recently other than vomiting on the floor, chauffeuring sponges and starfish across the ocean, and hosting AMERICAS GOT TALENT during primetime tv.
The movie, I THINK, is somehow related to the film ANACONDA which came out quite a few years ago. At the same time, I'm still uncertain if ANACONDAS: HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID is related to the original anaconda film. And of course theres also the Anaconda vs Python, Komodo vs Python, Cobra vs Python, Python vs Cobra and Anacondaz which I think are all from the same people because they are all about snakes and what bloodthirsty whale-sized monsters they are. Somewhere around "Snake Man" with one of the Baldwins, and "Python 4: Python Eats Himself" I lost whatever threads of plot I'd used to connect these films together.

So anyway. The movie starts with John Rhys-Davies (Gimli and Treebeard from Lord of the Rings)who plays the CEO of some sort of company that does things to snakes. Things that will...apparently cure his cancer that he may or may not have. Its most speculation and a subplot of the film that doesnt go anywhere. He comes to the company he funds where a dork and a blonde proceed to show off their giant snakes to him. Mildly impressed, he bangs on the glass.
And guess what? The two snakes get pissed off and escape.
The snakes are mutant. They are apparently 60 feet long (although their size seems to change several times over the course of the film) and also have giant spiked barbs on their tales.
They run around the lab a spit spearing people for no reason and then escape through a rather small airvent that they shouldnt be able to fit through. And later a window that is much larger.

And so the Dork and the Blonde and Gimli decide to call the one man who can save the day from the giant apparently pregnant snakes:

The Hoff.

The Hoff is in a sleazy bar in a 3rd world country selling giant snake teeth. After receiving his money and throwing an angry patron out of a window, the Hoff makes his way where his team are meeting up with Dork and Blonde have met up with Hoff's old teammates.
We never learn their names which isnt really important since they all die anyway because despite being expert giant snake hunters, they are all really inept at their jobs.
The list of them rounds to:
a.) superstitious bearded nerd guy
b.) panicky hot head bald guy
c.) black wiggedy wack boxer
d.) ambiguous silent lesbian
e.) young guy with an ipod and emo cut
All in far-too-light-for-hunting-giant-snakes army gear and covered in enough guns and bullets to take down a heard of moose. Almost none of which is utilized.

So they and Blonde and Dork hop into some dinky jeeps and speed off after the snakes.
The scene turns to a farmer who chases his goat wife into a barn where he knocks himself unconscious on some wood.
He is eaten just as the Snake Team arrives. Bald guy manages to get himself killed and Dork cries over his dead body. But not before bald guy's dying corpse manages to shoot his semi-automatic one final time which blows up one of the jeeps.

And then the Hoff arrives. And he and Blonde meet. And so Blonde and Lesbian hop into a jeep and trail after the snake. Lesbian apparently cant drive and crashes the jeep. It flips. Her leg breaks. Snake eats her. Hoff fires some sort of tracking mechanism into the snake. Snake cries and runs away.

That night Hoff and Blonde have a convo about how smart and completely not an arrogant bitch Blonde is, and why Hoff is the most badass Indiana Jones wannabe this side of the mississippi river. The next day they chase the snakes some more. And the snakes manage to get into a lake.
Blonde spouts some gabble about how snakes need to go into water to get to a food source to lay eggs or some other pseudo-scifi gobbeldy gook.

Hoff and Nerd split up while Blonde, Ipod, Dork, and Boxer go in the jeeps. They arrive in a dusty building where Dork dies a most pathetic death and Ipod dies as well. I cant even remember how. He had no lines in this crud anyway.
Blonde and Boxer get in a jeep to chase the snakes.
Blonde gets an idea (inorite?) that the snakes will probably make their home in abandoned factory because its perfect for snakes. Because of course despite never being out of their tanks, all snakes are naturally smart enough to head towards the nearest abandoned factory for egg laying purposes.
Blonde and Boxer sneak inside.

For about 30 minutes of the movies run time they proceed to sneak about the inside of the factory. Eventually Boxer gets stabbed by the snakes spikey tail and in a last ditch effort to make his character anything but meaningless, shoves a grenade into the snakes mouth. It explodes offscreen. (this movie had a very low budget and its quite obvious from the moment you see the way-too-shiney cgi snakes).

Nerd gets killed and Hoff proceeds to meet up with Blonde. He and she start to chase down the last snake firing off rounds into it.

Faraway, Gimli (who hasnt appeared in the film for like an hour or more) makes a phone call to his friend. Some character we're unfamiliar with who is tracking Hoff across the plains in a truck.

Suddenly Hoff turns his back on blonde and points his big fake rifle at her.

She smirks in a weird way and guesses he was sent by Gimli to make sure they didnt kill the snakes so they wouldnt destroy the cure to whatever ambiguous disease he has.
He makes her an offer to join him as he scoots around the globe hunting beasts.
Blonde proceeds to suddenly and magically develop some very Buffy kung fu skills and kicks the crap out of the Hoff. She then starts a bomb to go off in a minute as baby snakes (snakes are born live and not from eggs now apparently) swarm all over the Hoff. The baby snakes arent anacondas at all but ball pythons that I assume the prop designer snatched out of the local pet store.
Hoff struggles to turn off the bomb. Gee, he fails. Factory explodes.

Gimli's friend in the truck arrives at the factory which is surprisingly still intact despite a fucking HUGE explosion inside of it. He takes one of the only baby snakes still alive(because heaven forbid a bomb in a movie actually kill what its supposed to) and crams it into a sack and drives off while Blonde throws all the scientific research that created the snakes into a roadside fire.

Fade to Black.

Certainly not the shittiest straight to DVD horror film I've had the enchanting pleasure of watching, and FAR from the worst. About the same level of quality as Frankenfish. Its obvious from the start most of this movie's funds were spent securing the Hoff, Rhys-Davies, and the insanely huge pyrotechnic explosive display at the end. I give it a C.

A good watch if you are bored. More enjoyable if you are watching it while eating pepperjack nachos with a good friend.


Anonymous said...

There was one b-rate horror flick I saw where a kid gets his dick bitten off by a zombie while getting a the zombie that bites his dick off.

Anonymous said...

Here's a cool site, the Daily Monster:

The guy drew 200 monsters, and put a video up of each one being drawn.

Anonymous said...

Time for a new blog I might wager.