Every now and then I bother to use webmaster tools to see what terms allow people to find this blog or my website. It's always surprising to see what search terms cause people to accidentally click here, read the content briefly, and then immediately start jamming the BACK button on their safarifirefoxchromexplorer browsers.
Today's keyword analysis was inspired by a note I received from Google today informing me my Youtube videos have made me $0.01 last month.
Sometimes it's rather interesting and humbling. Like the time I found the blog of a director I like who thought I was some sort of genius. Sometimes its hilarious, like when I got linked on some Dutch cartoon website and all the comments were angry Dutchies calling whatever content of mine they had posted "shit" but in Dutch. And sometimes its just weird. Links that go to links that go to sites that dont exist that link to site ranking nonexistant links.
It proves what a wily and untamed beast the internet really is. And how hilarious it will be to watch Verizon and Google try to tame it and fail miserably.
That said, it's been a long time since I decided to see what particular popular keywords are sending people's websurfing boards on a crash course with the coral reef of loud music and weird news that is my blog.
And oh dear god.
I'm not sure what's happened in the last year and a half or so since I last checked on these search terms.
Went horribly wrong.
So, in a filthy fashion of complete disorganization that Letterman wishes he could stoop to, here is THE TOP SEARCH TERMS THAT LET PEOPLE FIND MY BLOG AND WEBSITE ONLINE:
SPLICE, LUIGI, SPLICE DREN, DREN SPLICE, SPLICE FILM, SPLICE SEX SCENE, TOY DOGS, RETURN THE SLAB, SPLICE CREATURE, EL SUPERBEASTO, KLONOA, SPLICE SEX, FEELS BAD MAN, SPONGEBOB, STANLEY TUCCI, SPLICE POSTER, SPLICE NUDE, MOJO JOJO, MILEY CYRUS HERP DERP, GRONKLE, BANKSY, JESSICA BORUTSKI, BUKKAKE, ADVENTURE TIME, SPLICE 2010, STAR WARS HENTAI, NILLA WAFERS, GORILLAZ, SPLICE RAPE, ARTHUR DE PINS, I POOPED A LITTLE, JEREMYVILLE, CRYPTIDS
This shows that, despite being a shitty film, alot of people found the mutant antagonist of Splice hot. Hot enough to google photos to get their perverse rocks off. I assume due to the big negative review I gave it, they all happened upon this blog and instantly had their boners killed. Or they got harder. I don't really want to know. Some of the other stuff is pretty self explanatory.
Why is TOY DOGS a term? When have I ever discussed toy dogs ever? Star Wars Hentai? What on earth?
Also it's a sad state of affairs that people googling GREAT artists like Jessica Borutski and Arthur De Pins land on this blog instead. If that doesn't prove how criminally underrated those people are, I don't know what does.
And in the high pitched voice of the Nostalgia Critic, I quote:
But wait! It get's worse!
Next are the least searched terms on the list. That means, these are terms that are never ever typed into google except maybe once ever and somehow by some means of cruel fate, the person who searched kept thumbing through the search results and wound up here. Prepare yourself.
I am not making these up.
These are actual things people searched for least often yet somehow still found this blog.
ANACONDAS EATING PEOPLE, ZEKEY, SAD BANANA, SUBGENIUS, AARDVARK, GOLDFISH, ANIME MOUTHS, WAFERS, GRIC, DREN FROM SPLICE, ASS, DOG FUCKING, STARSCREAM, STEVE CARREL, OILY ASS, AUTECHRE, CLAM, HAZELNUT, FLASH GORDON, FAT GUY, I LIKE TURTLES, PEAR, LOBO THE DUCK, FLOAM, PISSING MONKEY, BABOON BUM, رسم جماجم , BRATWURST, EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS, ANATOMY OF THE PENIS, ANATOMY OF A WALRUS, BORAT STENCIL, SQUARESVILLE, HASTUR, FREELANCE PAINTER, ARROGANT, HOW TO DRAW A CATFISH, MONKEY POOP FIGHT
In all the time I've had this blog I'm pretty sure I've never even casually mentioned most of the things in this list.
Also it's a PRETTY SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS that my online handle ZEKEY, and the terms SQUARESVILLE and FREELANCE PAINTER are some of the least searched terms that have led people to this journal.
What in the holy hell happened? OILY ASS? How did half of these combination of words bring people here? How did they even occur?
My friend Thor is applying for a job to be on the staff of animators who make Word Girl. For those unaffiliated with the program, watch this. It's a cute show for small kids that comes on early in the mornings on PBS. Seeing as I'm usually awake at this time, having not slept, I've caught it a few times. It's cute.
And I always suspected it was made in Flash. But now, thanks to my friend, I have PROOF! Although we both suspect it's compiled in different software afterwards.
Speaking of cartoons, Chowder finally aired its finale a few days ago. It was a very cute and fitting end to the show. Leave it to Cartoon Network to barely advertise it at all.
Speaking of series finales, another animated show saving Cartoon Network from being rightly labeled 'the worst network ever' is also ending. The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack is coming to an end. Except this time, unlike Chowder, they knew way beforehand and are planning a 90-minute special to end the show.
And the special will be live action with the voice actors of the show donning costumes to play their parts. The voice of Flapjack, and creator of the show, is playing Captain Knuckles and his son is playing Flapjack.
I'm actually excited!
When was the last time an animated series in America got to end in style the way it wants and wasn't just simply given the cold shoulder known as "lets not buy another season and quietly wait for the staff to leave."
Still, it feels bad, man. Flapjack AND Chowder were bright rays of light during a very dark, and still ongoing, time in the Neworks History where in fits of extreme incompetence tried to make awful live action programming for a demographic that stopped watching their network a long time ago.
Then Batman Brave and the Bold came along. Another Godsend. And guess what? It, too, is now getting the boot. Even after winning awards for its stunning Music Meister episode.
So currently, all that will be left is Adventure Time and the new (and surprisingly excellent) Scooby Doo Mystery Inc show, and SYMBIOTIC TITAN, which knowing CN will cancel it just as abruptly as they did Samurai Jack.
And The Regular Show. Which Cartoon Network only bought 6 episodes of.
We're heading toward dark times again.
However there's also plenty to be happy about this week.
For starters, the creators of Bioshock (the first one. The REALLY REALLY GOOD ONE.) showed off a brand new surprise trailer this week for a new Bioshock.
And it looks like a completely new world and a complete new change of setting. Like the hop from SystemShock to Bioshock.
If it's anywhere near as good as the trailer, we are in for a treat:
Looks great eh?
IN NEWS JUST AS GREAT, GSC games announced they are making a new STALKER game! Yaaaaay! In my dreams it will combine the scaryness of Shadow of Chernobyl, with the faction scheme of Call of Pripyat, and the graphical quality of Metro2033.
Either way, I'm happy as hell at this news. So I made this to celebrate:
When it’s cold outside
9 hours ago