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So one ol day in teh earls of maytime, me and da wifey were scoopin oop sum hay in da yard and da chillins were a scurryin underfoots. But wait I say to Wifey, dem aint no chillins dem dere a flock o hengeese. Oh and sure lest and beharld, it was true and da hengeese start pickin at mah pantaloones and I say, "Hengeese you gone get on outta my pantaloones dis instant les i git mah big ol geese blaster and turn you inta a fine sooper dat da wifey can stew in her big ol pot over in da nightime hour and den serve you oop on da table wit some seasins we gone done get frum da ol pond out back dere!" Da hengeese was a scared off frum my lon speech, and it wuz right around dis instant dat I gone done saw a big ol cooney creature lookin at me all puffy eyed and i leaned down towards him, but den da wifey say" Get outta down dere by dat cooney creature may have been growin bees down in his scully-hole and you don now wanna git bit all oop and have me put on da butter to sooothe da achin pains!" and den I say "WIFEY YOU GOT NO DAMN OPINION OVA MA TOUCHIN O NOT TOUCHIN COONEY CREATURES, YOU GONE GIT ON OVA INTO DA KITCHIN AND MAKE ME SUM STEWY BEANS!" So she went and she made me sum stewey beans. As for the cooney creature, he was still a gazin on oop at me like a little poor orfan chilin. He look sumthin like dis:
Oh he was a cutsy naw wusnt he. Anywho, I say, hey...da wifey is stewin oop sum beans, and i gots nothin to dew cuz i aint got no job or no obliogations or nuttin. I means, i jus like to sit and maybe shoot a possumy creature or a squirrly creature o two out on da back porch and sip me some fiiinne bverages. Anyway, so I say, i say, "Cooney creature, how bouts you and me we gone go down to d river and take ourselves a trip on an ol raft?". He dont say nuttin so I give him a good grab and drag him on down to da ol river. So, I got sum sticks and made ourselves oop a nice ol raft(da cooney creature didnt help but who can blames em, he is jus a cooney creature afta all). Da raft me (and da cooney creature, i give him credits anyways) made look sumthin lik dis:
Pretty ol rag tag and stoof, but i blames that on da cooney creature since his motor skills and slackin were drivin me chrew da roofs! yall know wut i mean, yall know. So me and da cooney creature start sailin on down da reever. We see sum dem trees, some more o dem trees, and den we see some kin o log. Den we finally cam upon da ol village o dem eskimos and whatnot and i say, "Hey dere you eskimos how bout you get on gettin me some seal hides bc i be gettin mighty cold hea on dis raft." Dey gave me an da cooney some kind of blank stare, and it was about at dis tyme that I realize, hell, dat ain no eskimo village dat dere is a big ol grizzly bear. And I say to da cooney, "sunnunva gun cooney, we best get on outta hea lest dat dere bear makes us into his ol snacky cakes for da evenin supper." Da cooney creature seemed to agree since he gone done shat himself profusely. I gone done follow suit and dat smell drove dat bear far as Kansas city yall hear! KANSAS CITY! Me and da cooney were wet and soppin from our mighty shat and so we decided to go on home and feast on whateva da wifey prepared. So we paddle our raft back on oop da river and get on back to da ol cabeen wit da wifey waitin. An she says "Get dat ol cooney creature on outta hea before you gets to eatin!" And I say, darn cooney creature, she is right, wouldnt want you spoilin my hands befo i feast. And right about now i realize, dat hey...that aint no cooney creature, dat dere is Bobby Darin, da ol crooner frum da olden dayz. So we had a good ol laf and a chuk chuk, but it wuz about dat time i realize dis man was an imposter. He look sumthin like dis:
An I say, get on outta hea and den da wifey starts hittin um wit da ol broom and da ol pans and he run off nice and scared like. Den i remember dat mah bum has inside itself a mighty itch from mah grand shat earlier, so i gots to go and wipe and eat my dinna. De End.
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